As I get older I will hear more and more about the deaths of those I grew up listening to and idolizing. But I expected it would happen when I was much older, not now. He was only 53! I am only 55. I want life to stand still and stop this. I am not ready. I am so tired of death, I want life. I hate fuck cancer but I hate it doubly today because it took Gord Downie. Our embodiment of Canadianna. I was blessed to see him in action in 2007 and again in 2015. Him on the stage moving his body to his music to his words from the heart. He was mesmerizing, so unbelievably so, pure magnetism-I could not take my eyes off him. I still see him and his stage antics. The music and songs make my entire body break out in goosebumps, I just have to hear the beautiful riff and vocal "sundown in the paris of the prairies".. And what is so wonderful is that you probably know exactly what I am talking about.
I can't pick a favorite Hip song, oh many come close to the top; Bobcaygeon; Wheat Kings; Ahead by a Century; Fiddlers Green; Morning Moon. But seriously how do you even begin to choose from all that talent? His lesser known songs are even more beautiful; Last night I dreamed you didn't love me; Put it off; Pigeon camera, and my favorite- It's a good life if you don't weaken. He won't ever be dead, but he has died- if you get my drift.
And that brings me to what his death has me thinking about today. This overwhelming urge to live each day fuller. To not squander or waste the opportunity to live fully and completely everyday. Every. Single. Day. It's a physical feeling I feel, somewhere in my chest- in my breath. It makes my heart beat faster and causes a slight overall vibration. I have an increase of energy and sense of aliveness. This physical manifestation of life as I think and feel it should be lived. This feeling is often times in the background and comes out of me on days like this. I heard about his death and had a good cry, and this has been there.
I want to go around and kiss everyone on the lips. Gord you had it right!
I want to cure cancer instead of saying fuck to it
I want to sit up all night and watch the stars move, fuck sleep you can do it when you're dead
I want to get on that motorcycle now before the snow flies
I want to love love love the ones I love and hug the ones I don't
I want to take those risks, speak from my heart
I want to fly overseas again and cry in the Tuscan fields
I want to live fully and completely
Sometimes I feel like I am trudging through the mundaneness of life waiting in the wings for the time when my life will begin. This is not how one should live because as I know so well this will catch up to me. You can die waiting, many have-- I don't want to die waiting. "No dress rehearsal this is our life"! People die at 53, at 65, life is so so fucking short, good people do die young. I feel paralyzed at times to do something about this except rage at anyone who will listen. I don't want to be pragmatic, I want to be idealistic wild and crazy.
I want to live like Gord danced!